it scares me that you never know what someone is thinking or feeling towards you and everything that they say could be one massive lie
i just finished a film on human trafficking, and i was writing about feeling anxious about university only a few hours ago.
i am the definition of small-minded
yesterday, after I’d said goodbye to an old friend/former classmate who had visited Sweden for the summer, the shear anxiety and fear of my move to London sunk in like never before. probably because I took a look at the calender and felt more than a little taken back at the number of weeks left……
I knew I would eventually reach this stage of feeling like all of a sudden you don’t have “plenty of time” before starting a new chapter in your life; that the fact that I still feel majorly unprepared, overwhelmed and terrified would escalate, becoming unable to repress. however knowing this didn’t exactly cushion the blow. so basically I’ve been walking around with what feels like a lump in my chest since last night.
I have never, ever done well with change. even though I know that its inevitable and essential for personal development and usually a lead to something positive, I cannot not get freaked out by it. and now the pressure is on to take mental pictures of everything, savor the things I enjoy about the place that I’ve lived for the past ten years, do as much as I can in the little time I have left (in other words, be unrealistic and feel stressed). and I don’t know what to do with this all too familiar feeling other than feel it. and at least try not to get caught up in my hyper active thoughts as they churn away (in other words, I worry way too much).
the thing that relaxes me when I get like this is being able to control as much as I can and be as prepared as possible so that I can be able to say “well, I at least I tried my best” when all goes to shit.
but what I know I need to realize is that I can’t control everything and be completely prepared and feel wholeheartedly ready. no matter how much I might like to.
and to not be so damn nostalgic about things.
i get really offended when someone doesnt sit next to me but im also relieved they didnt sit next to me
- (via explore-my-universe)
it’s not so much that i wish i were more interesting, i just wish i had a better sense of self and easier time with articulation.
i can’t tell you how many trains of thought i’ve had that just get lost after i feel too tired to see where that train might lead to had i just developed it further. had i been able to do this, writing would be a hell of a lot more stimulating, and hence this blog a more meaningful way to spend time.
it’s like getting frustrated over misplacing something when you know its somewhere close to you. or repressing your feelings when you just don’t have the energy for a fight. or not being able to look at university brochures when application time comes around. it comes to a point where you surrender to the easier choice, which essentially means giving up.